Friday, September 17, 2010

Seahawks to Face Lawrence Maroney + Kool-Aid Man

Since being drafted by the Patriots in the first round out of University of Minnesota, Lawrence Maroney hasn't terrified any defenses. He has the physical tools, but it's always seemed he's been lacking something. Well it's time to get fearful now that he's with the Broncos. He hasn't stopped dancing in the backfield, taking his sweet time to pick a hole. No, his new power comes from his bling.

The diamond-crusted Kool-Aid Man chain holds special powers. It enables you to bust through opposing tacklers like they were just a mere cinder block wall. Chris Johnson probably has Kool-Aid Man earrings. Look out Hawks. Don't underestimate the power of Kool-Aid Man. Oh yeah? Oh NO!

Special thanks to NFL Passers for bringing this important NFL fashion news to light. No we just have to figure out where we can get the cubic zirconia knockoff.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Possible Motives For Golden Tate's Doughnut Heist

While at Notre Dame, defenses couldn't stop Golden Tate from reaching the end zone. And, apparently, the night bakers at Top Pot Doughnuts can't stop Tate from the doughnuts he craves. Tate has a powerful thirst for competition... and apparently it's countered by a powerful hunger for maple bars.

Some have speculated Tate suffered from a sever case of the munchies, while others, including the Top Pot employee who called police, suspected he was simply "A drunk idiot." --(link to 911 call). Others suspect it's all a publicity stunt by the Official Doughnut & Coffee Provider of your Seattle Seahawks. Perhaps, but what are the other possible reasons Tate was found stealing doughnuts out of the back of Top Pot at 3AM?
  1. Golden Tate is a member of the radical Doughnut Liberation Front, whose aim is to free doughnuts from being eaten. Every pastry has a soul. 
  2. As part of the Seahawks' community service efforts, Tate was simply trying to feed the homeless.
  3. Terrified of being held scoreless, Tate goes on the attack when ever he comes in contact with the number zero, even if it's in the form of a doughnut.
  4. Concerned with Leroy Hill's upcoming court hearing, Tate was trying to stockpile doughnuts and coffee in an effort to bribe the police.
  5. Even though LenDale White was cut by the Seahawks, Tate still wanted to help his suddenly-slim teammate gain weight. 
  6. Since Top Pot Doughnut is the official doughnut and coffee of the Seattle Seahawks, he thought it meant he ate for free there at any time.
  7. Any time is a good time to carbo-load.
  8. Late at night, the maple bars call to Tate. These temptresses, these pastry sirens, their songs lure in even the most stoic of folk, much like mermaids would call to sailors on long voyages, causing them to dive into the sea.
  9. Rookies are responsible for bringing doughnuts to team meetings as part of their hazing. Meetings begin before Top Pot opens. Tate had no other option.
  10. Golden Tate is pregnant, and when food cravings strike a pregnant person, everybody better get the F#@% out of the way.
Tate was apologetic after the incident, saying:

"When I got here, that was one of the first things I had," Tate said. "They're irresistible. It was a foolish mistake that won't happen again, but if you ever want some maple bars, that's the place to go. 
"I'm very embarrassed to even have my name a part of this. Before now I never had any type of trouble in school or anything, so I'd rather learn on this than have something a few months or years down the road that's a lot bigger and me being arrested or cited for something. This is definitely a lesson learned for me. Next time I'll just have my buddy go in and buy them."
Golden Tate has been banned from this Top Pot Doughnut location for one year. Give Mighty-O's a chance.

Check out video of Tate's uncomfortable explanation of the heist on Danny O'Neil's blog. You can also purchase an authentic Top Pot Doughnut mug signed by Golden Tate here.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Tubby Trojan Margarita Recipe

LenDale White and Mike Williams, both current Seahawks and former USC Trojan players, have received as much press for their weight issues as for their play.

LenDale dropped close to forty pounds last year by cutting out Patron tequila.
"I really got to be honest,'' White said. "It wasn't a lot of major diet changes. [It was] watching what I drink. I was a big Patron consumer. ... That's what it was. I was drinking a lot, drank a lot, of alcohol. I cut that out of my diet all the way. I don't drink at all. The weight started falling off.''

Prior to joining the Seahawks this year, Mike Williams dropped 35lbs by cutting out champagne and late night steaks and pasta (listen to interview).

There weight loss will improve their play, something Seahawks fans are looking forward to. When you make millions to play football, the least you can do is make the sacrifices necessary to be successful.

But for Seahawks fans, alcohol is nothing to give up. It's a necessary coping mechanism to deal with all the disappointing play. Cold beer always goes with football, but sometimes you have to supplement the self-medicating with a nice cocktail. That's why I invented the Tubby Trojan Margarita.

Tubby Trojan Margarita Recipe

- 2 ounces Patron Silver Tequila
- 2 ounces lime juice
- 1/2 ounce orange liquor (Cointreau, Grand Marnier, or Triple Sec).
- 3 ounces champagne or sparkling wine

Shake tequila, lime juice and orange liquor with ice in shaker. Pour into a pint glass filled with ice. Top with champagne.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Real Reason Griffey Wasn't Available to Bat

Now that Ken Griffey's NapGate scandal has died down, I thought I'd be untimely and chime in.

I believe Griffey was napping during the game, but like he said, he wasn't asleep in the 7th inning. My theory is that he was asleep in the 6th and a few other players played a prank on him. While he was snoring away, dreaming of cheeseburgers, a few of the younger players put his hand in warm water and then The Greatest Player in Mariner History wet himself. When he awoke he went to change and clean himself up and that's when Wakamatsu called for him to bat.

Everyone seems to like the stories from years past of Griffey waking from a nap to bat, stumbling out to the plate with his shoes untied, and blasting a home run. It's just not the same watching a bloated Griffey hobble out of the dugout with a wet stain on his crotch, stunbling to the plate to pop out and end the inning.

A lot of the blame, and Mike Sweeney's wrath, was directed at the two young players who ratted Griffey out to the Tacoma News Tribune. I agree it's probably something that should have been handled in the clubhouse. I think when the Mariners to took the field, they should have quietly and gently picked up the recliner Griffey was asleep in, and carried it out to left field. Eventually the crowd noise would have roused him, Griffey would be exposed, and the team wouldn't have to delude themselves that the whole thing was made up by Larry LaRue. Plus, Griffey loves a prank and everybody loves that scene in Major League when Wesley Snipes gets cut and wakes up in his bed outside the field.

The big question remaining is what the future holds for Griffey. Will he retire? Will he be cut? Will he take an at bat in his pajamas? What about the future promotional nights involving Griffey?

Due to his lack of production, his season on the roster needs to end. It seems like he could use the rest and serious Mariner fans are tired of watching him pop up to end innings. But we all know Griffey is on this team to sell tickets, not hit home runs. The Mariners need to use this to their economic advantage. How about a Mariner Snuggie promotion night? Or maybe a Griffey Nap Night, where fans can bring blankets and pillows and sleep through a game with Griffey in the upper deck. Griffey Pajama Night? The possibilities are endless.

Perhaps, Griffey could participate in a sleep study, but at Safeco field. He could be enclosed in a glass room, given warm milk and his favorite teddy bear, and fans could gather to watch him sleep. He's the greatest Mariner of all time and most M's fans can't let go, regardless of the damage he does to the team. They don't mind watching him snooze at the plate, but maybe they'd be just as happy watching him snooze in the stands. It could be a win-win.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ken Griffey Jr. Naps During Games

According to an article in the Tacoma News Tribune, Ken Griffey Jr. was asleep in the clubhouse during a recent game when he was needed to pinch hit. Shannon Drayer of followed up with an article stating  this is nothing new, that the team has no problem with it, and if they needed him to bat they could have woken him up.

There has been a lot of media attention of late focusing on what needs to be done to awaken the Mariners' bats. I had no idea we'd need to worry about also waking Mariner batters.

I recognize Griffey is not a bus driver or a security guard, but isn't sleeping on the job frowned up on in any profession? With most baseball analysts outside the 206 area code saying that Griffey is finished, what's the Mariners' reasoning for keeping him on the roster? If it's his presence in the clubhouse, how come he's not conscious? If it's because they need a left handed DH, then isn't there anyone in triple-A who can hit over 200, run the bases, and remain awake during games?

Maybe he's only here to sell tickets, but even with the Griffey bobble head nights, attendance has been dismal this year. Perhaps it's not too late though. The Mariners can draw fans by holding a new promotional event at Safeco: Ken Griffey Jr. Snuggie & Nap Night. The sight of 20,000 fans bundled up in their snuggies and snoring loudly will be the catalyst for waking the M's bats. At the least, it cause somebody on the team to wake Griffey from his nap in the clubhouse.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Uh... Is Mike Martz the New Offensive Coordinator?

We all recall the debacle of 2008 and the injuries we had at wide receiver. I know we lost Nate Burleson to free agency and I appreciate competition as much as Pete Carroll. However,  how many receivers do we need? Mike Martz is not our offensive coordinator.

There seems to be a lot of overlap here in terms of skill set and unless we plan to change the rules and put four gunners on the punt team, many of these guys won't be on the roster come September (related article).

Here's a list of the receivers we currently have on the roster...

T.J. Houshmandzadeh
6'2" 203lbs - Oregon State - 32-years-old
Housh is a great possession receiver and a fiery competitor. His production declined last year. Some point to his age, but he also played in an anemic offense devoid of any playmakers to stretch the field. He recently had surgery for a sports hernia and if he returns to full strength he should return to form since the offense should have more weapons and an improved line. While his contract is huge, he is a favorite of Seahawk fans, a fierce competitor, sure handed, and a quote machine.

Deion Branch
5'9" 195lbs - Louisville -- 30-years-old
A former Super Bowl MVP, coming off yet another knee surgery, Branch has never performed as a Seahawk. He has battled injuries and is making a ton of coin. There were trade rumors before the draft, but teams may be waiting for the Seahawks to simply cut him. Has he been deemed unnecessary now that Seattle has Golden Tate?

Deon Butler
5'10, 182 lbs - Penn State -- 24-years-old
Last year's 3rd round pick, Butler may be the fastest guy on the team, but does he have the lateral quickness to be anything more then a deep threat? He's the all-time leading receiver at Penn State, breaking many of Bobby Engram's records. Coach Pete Carroll likes bigger receivers and some question whether Butler has a future with the team (article). Fans love his speed and the Seahawks did a lot to move up in the draft last year to pick him. He's on the bubble though.

Mike Williams
6'5" 235lbs - USC - 25-years-old
A former first round pick by the Detroit Lions. Williams is considered a huge bust and was out of the league the last two years. His weight ballooned to 270lbs, but he's given up the champagne and the late night steaks and pasta. He recently rededicated himself to football and worked to get himself into playing shape. After the recent mini camp, everyone (except Danny O'Neil) was singing his praises (article). On his weekly radio show, John Clayton predicted Williams would be the Seahawks #3 receiver next year.

Reggie Williams
6'4 218lbs - Washington - 26-years-old 
Much like Mike Williams, Reggie was a highly touted 1st rounder who never lived up to the hype in the NFL. Various off field issues and an arrest for cocaine possession put him out of the league last year. He's trying to make a comeback with the Seahawks, but has struggled in mini camp. Still, he has all the physical tools if he can only get his act together and return to form.

Patrick Carter
6'3" 197 lbs - Louisville - 25-years-old
He's a longshot.

Mike Hass
6'1" 210lbs - Oregon State - 27-years-old
Despite spending most of his career on various practice squads, Hass remains on the roster. He's a long shot to make the team, but it hasn't stopped him before. He doesn't have elite speed, but he has great hands and won the Biletinikoff Award as a senior at Oregon State.

Michael Jones
6'3 221lbs - Arizona State - 23-years-old
Undrafted out of college in 2009, Jones has ideal size, but was inconsistent in college.

Martin Ruvell
6'4" 220 lbs - Saginaw Valley State - 27-years-old
Ruvell's statistics have declined in each of his four years in the league. He played for Green Bay his first three years, so GM John Schneider knows him well. He has ideal size, but so do a lot of other players on the roster.

Sean Morey
5'11" 195lbs - Brown - 34-years-old
Picked up in free agency from Arizona, Morey is a pro-bowl special teams player, but has never contributed much as a receiver. Given his age, he'll have to really out-perform some of the younger players if he's going to make the team.

Ben Obomanu
6'1" 204lbs - Auburn - 26-years-old
A regular on special teams, Obomanu has yet to contribute much in the receiving game. He's in his 5th year, and could be a casualty of a deep roster.

Golden Tate
5'10" 202lbs - Notre Dame - 21-years-old - Rookie

Field Gulls did a great article on Tate. The rookie had a great mini camp and had everyone turning their heads at his pass catching and big play ability. He needs to improve his route running, but Tate looks like a star in the making. His arrival could mean the end of the Deion Branch era.

Chris Duvalt-
5'10 173lbs - Illinois - 22-years-old --Rookie
A converted cornerback in college, Duvalt played beside heralded Illinois receiver Arrelious Benn. He didn't put up big numbers in college, but he showed up big in key games.  Undrafted out of college, Duvalt signed 3-year contract after trying out with the Hawks.

Victor James
6'1" 204lbs - New Mexico - 22-years-old - Rookie
And undrafted rookie free agent, Victor played both quarterback and receiver in college. A former walk-on, Victor excelled in special teams play.

Jameson Konz
6'3" 234lbs - Kent State - Rookie
In college, he played linebacker, tight end, fullback, H-back, and wide receiver. While he sort of looks like Tanya Harding, it's not clear whether he has her nasty streak. Konz is an athletic freak who runs a 4.4 forty yard dash and has a 46-inch vertical leap. He could become a special teams guy, and with his vertical leap, he might be clutch in blocking field goals (article).

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Best of Rest

DeMarcus Granger -- 6'2 1/2" 315lbs -- Defensive Tackle -- Oklahoma

His name might not sound familiar to Seattle fans, but check out this YouTube clip and you might remember him for his cheap shot against U.W. and then how he went down with an injury while getting triple teamed by some angry Husky lineman. had him ranked the 33rd best defensive tackle in the draft. He played beside the 3rd pick in the draft, defensive tackle Gerald McCoy so perhaps scouts overestimated how much McCoy made things easier for Granger. Or maybe McCoy made him look good.

Quintin Hancock -- 6'3" 207lbs -- Wide Receiver -- Tennessee

While not very productive at Tennessee (video link), Hancock has the size Coach Carroll covets in receivers. His agent claims his lack of production was due to three different head coaches and inconsistent play at quarterback. I don't know if his agent has the familiarity with Quintin to say that seeing as he misspelled Quintin's name on his agency's website. With the number of receivers currently on Seattle's roster, the  Tennessee receiver is long shot to make the team.

Will Harris -- 6'1" 200lbs -- Free Safety -- USC
Harris portrays himself as a tough player, but didn't always back it up in his tackles and hitting. He's athletic, but suffered with some injuries. He did well at the USC pro day, but it's unclear how he'll be as a pro.

One question is how he'll respond to going undrafted by Coach Carroll. Obviously, Carroll thought more of other safeties they took in the draft--Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor.Will he appreciate the opportunity, or will he be ticked off about not being drafted like fellow-USC safety Taylor Mays.

(Video link)

Adrian Martinez -- 6'3" 318 lbs -- Center/Guard -- Colorado State
His college coaches once described him as the "nastiest" offensive lineman on the team. I don't know if that describes his playing style or hygiene, but I certainly hope it relates to his football tenacity. That nastiness hasn't kept him from volunteering to help various children's charities. Martinez is supposed to be a strong run blocker who started a ton of games in college.

Joe Pawelek -- 6'2" 240lbs -- Linebacker -- Baylor

Pawelek posted nine career interceptions, including two courtesy of Texas' Colt McCoy. It's all on his highlight film.

In addition to his pass coverage skills, Pawelek was a four-year starter and and Academic All-American (article). While not highly touted, he possesses a high motor and could contribute to an NFL team. If I were Joe Pawelek, I'd be writing letters to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, urging him to suspend Leroy Hill to open up another roster spot for me.

Jacob Phillips -- 6'6" 300lbs -- Tackle -- Belhaven 
Even though Jacob Phillips played for a small school in Mississippi, I don't think it's so small that it should be impossible to find a photo of the guy online. Yet, when you google his name and college this is what comes up. And if this is really him, it's a shrewd move by the Seahawks. This guy could be the second coming of Robbie Tobeck... unless he's butchered, grilled and eaten by Russell Okung.

Josh Pinkard -- 6'1" 217lbs -- Cornerback -- USC
Pinkard missed two years in college with torn ACLs, something he's done three times. He had a sub-par senior season, but at 6'1" and 217 lbs, he has the size NFL teams covet in a corner. Injuries hurt his draft stock and so did his one reckless driving charge. His favorite musician is Lil' Wayne.... that's relevant, right?

(related article)

Robert Rose -- 6'5" 295lbs -- Defensive Tackle -- Ohio State University
Rose entered Ohio State with big expectations, but his career there was plagued by injuries, inconsistent play, academic issues, and violations of team rules. He's hoping  things go better at the next level. Athletically, he has all the tools, but if things don't work out with Hawks, I'm sure he can find work as a doorman at any Pioneer Square bar.

(related Seattle P.I. article)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Longshots

With the draft complete,  the Seahawks filled out their  training camp roster with 15 undrafted free agents. I've covered half of them in this post and will do the rest in my next one. Noticeably  absent were any running backs and quarterbacks.. Somewhere, Mike Tiel and  Justin Forsett are breathing a sigh of relief.
So who are these guys? Only a few of them show up in published draft guides, but you never know where you'll find the next stud, undrafted free-agent. Mack Strong was undrafted coming out of college.

Jeff Byers -- 6'3" 290lbs -- Guard -- USC

Pete Carroll has seen a lot of Jeff Byers because both have been at USC for roughly the same amount of time. A lot of people spend more than 6 years in college... doctors... stoners... but Byers spent six because he missed 2005 and 2006 with injuries. He spent the extra time earning a masters degree. 
If there's an illness or injury, Byers has had it: Hernia surgery, hip surgery, back sprain... Rocky Mountain spotted fever. Health appears to be an issue. And just what the hell is "Rocky Mountain spotted fever?" I don't know, but I'm going to presume it's contracted from a rabid chipmunk bite. If the bite of a radioactive spider can give Spiderman his powers, perhaps the Rocky Mountain spotted fever can turn this guy into a super lineman.

Who knows, Byers has some talent. He played as a freshman, which is no small feat at USC. 
As a high schooler, he never allowed a sack, and once recorded 34 pancake blocks in a game. Imagine his opponent in that game? At a time when  we are becoming more aware of the terrible consequences of high school bullying, I see that statistic as just awful. On the other hand, injured or not, Byers sounds like the "dirtbag" Jim Mora Jr. was  talking about last year. Just like with graduation, Byers showed up a little late.

 Reggie Carter -- Linebacker -- UCLA
 Highly rated as a junior, linebacker Reggie Carter lost some of his shine with scouts his senior year. Regardless, he's a tough guy with a chip on his shoulder who loves to hit and has no qualms about playing special teams. I also like it that he has no respect for USC (see photo).
“In high school I was on every special teams. I was long snapper, I was tackling on kickoffs,” Carter explained. “ As a Sophomore (at UCLA), I played with a torn meniscus because I didn’t want to let (his special teams coach) down. As a Junior and Senior I was told that they didn’t want me to get hurt., I love making tackles, so if I can get out there and make one on kickoff that’s even better." (article)
I like Carter. He's a throwback guy who just wants to knock the snot out of opponents and will buy his mom a new house with a rookie contract. SIGN HIM! He may not beome a starter, but I guarantee you won't be seeing him dancing with the stars or hanging out in Hollywood with Matt Leinert.
“I know I know how to play football,” Carter said.. “I’ve been doing it since I was 8. If I can’t tie my shoes I still know I can play football. If I get an opportunity I’ll show everyone.” --(article
James Brindley -- 5'11, 189lb -- Free Safety -- Utah State
He runs a 4.4 in the forty, has a 37-inch vertical, a degree in business finance, and grew up in Grass Valley, California (article). He was first team all-WAC last year and is second all-time at USU in career interception return yardage.

Marcus Brown --6'0" 195lbs -- Cornerback --  Arkansas State

Marcus Brown has just 1 career interception, but he has prototypical size and runs 4.37 in the forty. A star athlete in high school, Brown, allegedly, ran a 4.24 forty in high school (article).

Unrealized potential? I guess we'll see.

Kyle "Care Bear" Burkhart -- 6'5" 290lbs -- Tackle -- Southern Mississippi

If Toby Gerhart was forced to gain 60lbs and switch to offensive line this is what he'd look like. He grew up in Kansas so obviously he's got some post-up moves from his high school basketball days.. I asume he can dunk. He spent some time in community college... but... didn't we all.
I hope he's the second coming of Steve Hutchinson, but if the NFL doesn't work out, I can totally see him going back to his old high school and being the gung-ho gym teacher who looks to mentor a troubled teen who one day makes him proud and breaks his bench-press record. I'm rooting for him and the Seahawks can use all the help they can get along the offensive line.
Patrick Devenny -- 6'3" 240lbs --  Tight End -- Colorado
A former high school quarterback, Devenny had friends who played for Coach Carroll at USC.
"I heard a lot about (Carroll) from (my friend), good things like him being a players' coach . . . he was a guy I admired and always wanted to play for. USC was a little high on the chart for me coming out of high school, but it's weird the way this has worked out," said Devenny.
"All I know is that (Seahawk tight ends) are all really good and I have a lot of respect for them. I knew that my getting drafted was a long shot, but I'd heard before the draft that (Seattle) wanted to see film on me. So I was kind of following what they were doing in the draft. I'm really excited for the opportunity." (article
Kevin Dixon -- 6'2" 257lbs -- Defensive End -- Troy
He's undersized and was kind of an unknown before his senior season, but Dixon came on strong, shows speed, and plays bigger than his size. His photo isn't current, but it still makes me feel better about my middle school yearbook photo. My grill was jacked.

DT DeMarcus Granger Oklahoma 
WR Quintin Hancock Tennessee
FS Will Harris USC
C Adrian Martinez Colorado State
LB Joe Pawelek Baylor
T Jacob Phillips Belhaven (MS)
CB Josh Pinkard USC
DE Rob Rose Ohio State

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Newest Seahawks

After the misery of the past two seasons, the Seahawks have dramatically improved their squad through their picks and a few draft day trades. These new arrivals appear like a Navy Seal team rescuing the Seahawk faithful from the prisoner of war camp called losing.

The NFL's new draft format great. It is like waking up to three Christmas mornings... or an abbreviated Hanukkah. By almost all accounts, the Seahawks had one of the best draft days of any team. Through their picks and a couple trades, the Seahawks gave fans some fantastic gifts under the tree.

Let's recap the draft...

1st (6th overall) -- Russell Okung - 6'5" 307lbs - Offensive Tackle - Oklahoma State

Seahawk fans watched the first five picks with baited breath in hopes Okung would fall to them. I'd worked my fingernails down to the nubs by the time Washington drafted Trent Williams, assuring us that Okung would be playing at Qwest Field next year. I bet Matt Hasselbeck's wife broke in tears of joy when the Hawks made the pick. Finally she has someone to protect her husband's blind side.

Seattle's needed a replacement for Walter Jones ever since he went down with a knee injury two years ago. With Big Walt retiring, there are rumors Jones may take a break from sending out motivational tweets to mentor the talented Okung.

Considered one of the top tackles in the draft, Okung will step in and be a starter from day one. Okung is big, strong, and has high character. He may not have as high a ceiling as Trent Williams, the tackle drafted before him, but he's also as sure a thing as there is in the draft. This will go a long way to revamping what was a horrid offensive line last year.

1st (14th overall) -- Earl Thomas - 5'10" 208lbs - Safety - Texas

Taylor Mays may not agree with the pick, but everyone else does. Hawk fans were ecstatic when Thomas fell to them at the 14th pick.

He may not have prototypical size, but at 20-years-old, the talented safety is still growing. His ball hawking skills, speed, and aggressiveness will more then make up for his lack of size. On a Seahawk team severely deficient in play makers, Thomas will give Seattle a player opposing quarterbacks will fear. And in an NFC West featuring Matt Leinert, Alex Smith and a rookie in Sam Bradford, we might just see Thomas take a few interceptions back for touchdowns.

2nd (60th overall) -- Golden Tate - 5'10" 199lbs - Wide Receiver - Notre Dame

It was shocking that Golden Tate fell to the Seahawks 60th pick. Much like the golden arches and Golden Corral, Golden Tate is a great value as a 2nd round pick. I can not believe he was available this late in the draft.

I hate Notre Dame as much as the next guy, but he is such an electric player I am more than willing to forgive him. Seahawk fans are going to love his play making ability. I can just imagine a row of elderly women at Qwest Field next year donning Golden Tate jerseys and calling themselves "The Golden Girls." Talk to your grandmothers about making this happen.

Tate gets knocked for his small size, but he plays bigger, and he always catches the ball at its highest point. He has great hands, makes big catches in big games, and he is dangerous when he has the ball in his hands. He will provide much needed help in the passing and return game.

4th (111th overall) -- Walter Thurmond III- 5'11" 189lbs - CB - Oregon

Should you find yourself stuck in traffic with a sandwich lacking condiments, and a guy with a name like Walter Thurmond III was in the limo beside you. you'd probably ask him if has any Grey Poupon. You'd at least trust him to manage your portfolio. But Thurmond isn't that guy. He's a premier corner back with some serious injury concerns.

On a team that struggled to get interceptions last season, I find it reassuring that most of the pictures of him online feature him with the ball in his hands.

If he can stay healthy, Thurmond could be a solid corner back at the next level. Sure, he's a duck, but Pete Carroll had to game plan for him, so if he's able to draft a Pac-10 rival, then Seahawk fans should be pumped to see him in a Seahawks jersey.

4th (129th overall) -- E.J. Wilson - 6'4" 286lbs - Defensive End - North Carolina

Not to be confused with C.J. Wilson, the defensive end from East Carolina, E.J Wilson is considered a defensive end with a lot of potential. I figured the Hawks would draft Everson Griffen, the highly touted USC defensive end with this pick, but Carroll has a little more insight into Griffen then the rest of us.

5th (133rd overall) -- Kam Chancellor - 6'3" 231lbs - Safety - Virginia Tech
Big, strong, fast, athletic... those are all good qualities to have in a safety. The Seahawk roster is thin at defensive back, but Seattle obviously made it the focus of much of their draft.

6th (185th overall) -- Anthony McCoy 6'4" 259lbs - Tight End - Southern Cal

Pete Carroll finally dipped into his old college team with this pick. Anthony McCoy fell down draft boards after he tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. That proved to be an expensive mistake for the skilled tight end because he was expected to be drafted much higher.

McCoy is athletic for a big man and isn't afraid of catching the ball in traffic. He has good hands and runs well with the ball. It will be interesting to see him compete with John Carlson in camp.

7th (236th overall) -- Dexter Davis - 6'1" 244lbs - Defensive Ends - Arizona State

Pete Carroll sure like drafting guys USC played against. Dexter Davis is pretty small and was drafted primarily for his speed and ability to rush the passer. He probably isn't an every down defensive end, but many think he could be an effective third down specialist.

7th (245th overall) -- Jameson Konz - 6'3" 227lbs - Wide Receiver - Kent State
 This is really Jameson Konz's picture. Not exactly what you'd expect from a guy who shocked people with his pro day workout. He is an incredible athlete, with a 46-inch vertical leap and 4.4 40 yard dash. The only downside is nobody knows what position he can play. Some have him listed as a full back or H-back, but the Seahawks plan to try him at wide receiver.

Konz is a wildcard, but he does have rare athletic ability. The Seahawks will need to stock up on shampoo with both Konz and Charlie Whitehurst on the roster.

I can't get over that hair.

Throughout the beginning of the draft, I kept wondering why the Seahawks weren't drafting a running back. But the new Carroll/Schneider regime pulled off a couple of big trades and landed LenDale White of the Tennessee Titans, and Leon Washington of the New York Jets. That's an upgrade to say the least.

LenDale wasn't seeing much action playing behind Chris Johnson in Tennessee. Now he's reunited with a coach who knew how to make use of his talent. There are always weight concerns when it comes to White, but hopefully the opportunity for playing time will motivate the big fella.

I'm swearing off tequila in solidarity with LenDale doing what it takes to show up fit and ready to run all over the NFC West.

The Seahawks swapped 4th and 6th rounders with the Titans for White. His contract is up at the end of the year.

The Hawks traded a 5th round pick for Leon Washington and a 7th round pick. He is still recovering from a broken leg, but if he can regain his pre-injury form, the Seahawks' running and return game will be much better than last year. This is a huge pick up.

He became expendable when the Jets drafted Joe McKnight out of USC. Washington's contract is up at the end of the year.

The Seahawks also acquired defensive tackle Kevin Vickerson in the LenDale White trade.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Round 1 Mock Draft 2.0

1) ST. LOUIS RAMS: Tracy Orbison (Grocery Clerk-Hy-Vee Grocery Store)

Ever since the Rams let Kurt Warner go, they've needed a franchise quarterback. Having just released Marc Bulger, all signs point to them drafting Sam Bradford with the number one pick. But they won’t.
What St. Louis needs is another Kurt Warner. The former grocery store clerk was the best QB in franchise history and he came out of nowhere. I see St. Louis attempting to  recreate that success by drafting Tracy Orbison, a grocery clerk from the same Iowa grocery Kurt Warner worked at.

2) DETROIT LIONS--Demaryius Thomas (WR-Georgia Tech)
The Lions have needs across the board, especially on the offensive and defensive line. Lions fans are grateful that former GM Matt Millen was fired and won’t be around to wreck their drafts like he did for years. Unfortunately, Matt Millen has crept out of the broadcast booth and is hiding in the Lions’ war room, waiting to pounce... like a lion... a big, disgraced and incompetent lion.

Despite his age, Millen is still a strong dude, and he will physically force the Lions to draft...  yet another wide receiver. Who will be the Lions’ next Mike Williams or Charles Rogers?

That would be Georgia Tech wide receiver, Demaryius Thomas.

3) TAMPA BAY BUCANEERS--Ndamukong Suh--(DT-Nebraska)

Nobody except the Bucs projected both Ndamukong Suh and Gerald McCoy to be available at the 3rd pick. Expecting this, the Bucs were ready when both visited the Bucs on an official visit. Tampa's coaching staff set up a Survivor-like contest, forcing the two to sumo wrestle each other and engage in a hot dog eating contest. Suh won by eating two more hot dogs.

4) WASHINGTON REDSKINS--Toby Gerhart (RB-Stanford)
Now that the Redskins have their quarterback of the future in Donovan McNabb, they will use their 1st round pick to draft their running back of the past. Nostalgic for John Riggins, the Redskins will draft Toby Gerhart, another running back who is bruising, powerful, and... well... white.

5) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS--Jimmy Clausen (QB-Notre Dame)

Charlie Weis loves Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen loves Charlie Weis.

And since nobody else loves either one of them, they belong together. Plus, if the Chiefs draft Clausen then the Seahawks won’t piss me off and do something stupid like making Clausen their Rick Mirer of the future. I can’t stand that smug prick and I still wish suffering upon the Chiefs for that game Derrick Thomas sacked Dave Krieg seven times. It may be wishful thinking since they have a lot of money invested in Matt Cassel, but I’m hopeful they draft that cocky prick. And unlike with Clausen, Seahawk fans won’t have to fight the urge to punch Charlie Whitehurst in front of a bar. He’s far too pretty.

6) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS--Russell Okung (OT-Oklahoma State)

Seahawk fans breathe a collective sigh of relief as Pete Carrol goes offense and drafts the top-rated tackle in the draft. He may not be the second coming of Walter Jones, but he's better than everyone else we have on the offensive line.


Holmgren loves drafting pass-catchers who end up dropping the ball in key moments—remember Jerammy Stevens, Koren Robinson, and Darryl Jackson? So who will be the next ball-dropper to flub a Super Bowl-winning pass or serve jail time? How about Brandon LaFell.

8) OAKLAND RAIDERS--Tim Tebow (QB-Florida)
  Jesus was tormented by the devil for 40 days and 40 nights, but it’s nothing like the horrors Tim Tebow will experience during a 5-year contract with the Raiders under Al Davis. Couple that with sharing film study with JaMarcus Russell and breaking up fights in the coach's office and one can see it won't be long until Saint Tebow is tested in ways Jesus never imagined. This could go two ways, either Tebow leads wayward cast of Raider nation to the promised land, or else he wanders aimlessly through the desert with them, drinking heavily like he's Sebastian Janikowski. 

9) BUFFALO BILLS--Mike Williams (WR-Syracuse)

Playing in the cold wasteland of Buffalo is akin to being banished to a military weather station above the Arctic Circle. Nobody likes playing in Buffalo. And with no top-tier Canadian-born talent available, the Bills choose to go local by drafting Mike Williams from Syracuse. There are numerous character concerns, but the dude is a baller, he'll be ecstatic to be drafted in the 1st round and he can dunk (YouTube video).

10) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS--Rolando McClain (LB-Alabama)

With Tim Tebow already taken, the Jags realize that they won't be putting anyone in the seats next year and consider folding the franchise.

However, the prospect of drafting stud linebacker Rolando McClain to pair with starting quarterback David Garrard in a fund-raiser to fight Crohn's disease (both have the gastrointestinal ailment) proves to be too much of a feel-good story. The Jags could use the defensive help anyway.

11) DENVER BRONCOS--Dez Bryant (WR-Oklahoma State)

With Marshall joining the Dolphins, I see Denver picking up Dez Bryant. When he and McDaniels clash, the Seahawks can offer up a third rounder for him next year.

12) MIAMI DOLPHINS--Derrick Morgan (DE-Georgia Tech)

With Joey Porter leaving to be overpaid in Arizona and Jason Taylor possibly on his way to the Jets, Bill Parcels has to be thinking about the pass rush. Derrick Morgan may not be the second coming of Lawrence Taylor, but he'll be a hell of a lot better than the two guys they got rid of.

When the pick is announced, Seahawk fans will find themselves cursing and opening another beer. He's a lot better than everyone we have on the defensive line also.

13) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS--CJ Spiller (RB-Clemson)

If Frank Gore can run for 200+ yards against the Seahawks on his perpetually-injured legs, just imagine what the 49ers think the explosive Spiller will do to the Seahawks twice a year. Crack another cold one Seahawk fans.

14) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS--Sergio Kindle (LB-Texas)

Given the track record of the new Pete Carrol regime in free agency, there’s simply no telling what they’ll do in the draft. Their moves have all been eyebrow-raising to say the least. But you know what would be totally surprising? You know what would be crazier than giving up a 2nd round pick for a third string QB? Going line backer with the 14th pick. Welcome to Seattle Sergio Kindle.

And just like Jerramy Stevens, a previous Seahawk 1st round pick, Kindle has also been in trouble with the law for crashing his car into an apartment building. Sounds like a Seahawk to me.

15) NEW YORK GIANTS--Mike Iupati (OG-Idaho)

Coach Tom Coughlin’s daughter is married to Giants starting guard Chris Snee. but let’s be honest, Mike Iupati (G-Idaho) is not only a better prospect, but has a rugged and mysterious je ne sais quois.

Who is that man behind the face mask? Coughlin’s daughter Katie wants to know and she's ready for an upgrade at the husband position. And like any good father, Daddy will get his daughter what she wants.

16) TENNESSEE TITANS--Colt McCoy (QB-Texas)

Having just signed quarterback Chris Simms, the Titans have officially announced they're in dire need of a backup quarterback. They also need somebody Vince Young trusts and who can explain the playbook to him. Welcome to the first round Colt McCoy.

17) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS--Gerald McCoy (DT-Oklahoma)

Coach Mike Singletary tests potential picks by seeing who can maintain eye contact with him the longest. The record was two seconds until Gerald McCoy went four seconds before turning his eyes away from the steely glare of the legendary linebacker.

18) PITTSBURGH STEELERS--Janice Masters (QB-Pittsburgh Passion).

With the allegations against Ben Rothlesberger and Santonio Holmes (related article), the Steelers recognize they have a public relations nightmare on their hands. Wary or losing female fans, the Steelers draft Janice Masters of the Independent Women’s Football League. She’s feisty, has a some solid passing stats, and has the size and speed to switch to safety after Rothlesberger returns from suspension.

19) ATLANTA FALCONS--Traded to Philadelphia Eagles for Michael Vick

Ever since the Falcons lost the electric Michael Vick to prison, attendance has been down, So this year, the Falcons trade their 1st round pick to Philly for Michael Vick. Does Vick still have the speed he displayed during his Falcon days? A good way to find out is before every home game. release a herd of crazed pit bulls at midfield and give Vick a 10-yard head start. Attendance up. Karma actualized. And the TV rights for this make millions! The proceeds go to the Humane Society, stadium costs, and Vick’s bankruptcy attorneys.


19) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES-- Terrence Cody (NT-Alabama)--Pick received in trade from Atlanta

The Eagles will draft 349 lbs nose tackle Terrence Cody from Alabama. Sure, they could use the defensive help, but they draft him primarily because Coach Andy Reid wants someone one the team who is fatter than he is, and possesses more supple man-boobs. .

Wait for the charity poster of them in Speedos to raise money to fight childhood obesity... and then attempt to wash the image from your mind.

20) HOUSTON TEXANS--Eric Berry (S-Tennessee)

The Texans had only one respectable defensive back (Dunta Robinson) and they traded him away. Tennessee safety Eric Berry is supposed to be the second coming of Ronnie Lott and Deion Sanders. Houston will start him at both safety and corner.

Check out this music video about why he should win the Heisman Trophy.

21) CINCINNATI BENGALS--Michael Palmer (TE-Clemson)

The Bengals only have one scout and he’s stretched a little thin. Cincinnati has both of the Palmer brothers on the roster (Carson and Jordan), so who’s to blame them for accidentally assuming Michael Palmer (TE-Clemson) is just another of Carson’s brothers. The Bengals could use a tight end anyways.

22) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS--(traded to Oakland)
Feeling pretty smug after last year's trade of Richard Seymour for Oakland's 2011 1st rounder, Coach Bill Belichek calls Al Davis to see if he's stupid enough to do it twice. He is, and the two swap the Pats 1st round pick first this year for Oakland's 2nd round picks in 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014...

22) OAKLAND RAIDERS--Usain Bolt (Jamaica) (picked up from New England)

Everyone knows Al Davis loves speed and Olympic gold-medalist Usain Bolt is the fastest man on the planet.

23) GREEN BAY PACKERS--Sam Bradford (QB-Oklahoma)

Much like Aaron Rogers did years ago, Sam Bradford unexpectedly drops in the draft and the Packers snatch him up. This sets up a new QB controversy in a couple years, a messy divorce, future nostalgia for Aaron Rogers, and something for sports writers to cover endlessly.

24) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES--Anthony Davis (OT-Rutgers)

The Eagles may deny it, by they are a team rebuilding and they've shown with their quarterback change that they're trying to get younger. Rutgers tackle, Anthony Davis, will be only 20-years-old when the season begins. Is that young enough?

25) BALTIMORE RAVENS--Mardy Gilyard (WR-Cincinnati)

Michael Oher was the steal of the 2009 NFL draft. His life story was turned into a movie that won Sandra Bullock an Oscar. Hoping to repeat their success, the Ravens draft Mardy Gilyard, wider receiver out of Cincinnati. Like Oher, Gilyard has his own hard-luck tale of living in his car while working four jobs in hopes of having his scholarship reinstated. In addition, Baltimore could use some speed at wide receiver.

26) ARIZONA CARDINALS--(traded to Philadelphia Eagles for next year's 1st round pick).
Due to some accounting mishap, Arizona doled out $17.5 million to washed-up linebacker Joey Porter. Now the miserly Cardinals don't have the money to pay a first rounders salary so they swap their pick to the Chicago Bears for future picks.

Still short on picks from the Jay Cutler trade, Chicago again deals future picks for the Cardinals first round pick. Unfortunately, they open their war room to offensive line coach, and former Minnesota Vikings coach, Mike Tice. Famous for turning in his draft pick late while with the Vikings, Tice blows it again and forgets to turn in the draft card. Chicago is banished to the 2nd round.

27) DALLAS COWBOYS--Kam Chancellor (S-Virginia Tech)

Having cut safety Ken Hamlin (and Roy Williams before that), for mental mistakes and being to slow in coverage, Jerry Jones pulls another one out of his ass and drafts Virginia Tech safety Kam Chancellor, a big, tough, slow safety that can barely cover a tight end. I can't wait to hear the cell-phone footage of him drunkenly explaining that selection.

28) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS--Dexter McCluster (RB-Mississippi)

There's no way you can replace a Hall of Fame running back like Ladanian Tomlinson. However, you can replace running back Darren Sproles. Sure, they would be better off drafting a power running back  like Ryan Matthews (RB-Fresno State) or Johnathan Dwyer (RB-Georgia Tech). Either, paired with Sproles, would give them a thunder and lightning combo. Instead, the Chargers will draft 5'8" 165lbs. Dexter McCluster, the lightning fast running back from Mississippi.  They add Justin Forsett and they can run the oompa loompa wishbone.

29) NEW YORK JETS--LeGarrette Blount (RB-Oregon)

The Jets are happy to take chances on players with character concerns. In the past few months alone, they've added cornerback Antonio Cromartie (1/2 dozen illegitimate kids)  and Santonio Holmes (marijuana possession, assault allegation). Who can they draft to complete the trifecta? Of all draft prospects, running back LeGarrette  Blount provides the greatest  chance of a felony conviction. His violent outburst during last year's Boise State game was one for the ages. Running back isn't really a need, but the possibility of Blount running wild in the Big Apple, especially with the cameras of Hard Knocks filming, is too much for Rex Ryan to pass up. You can't put a stomach band on drama.

30) MINNESOTA VIKINGS--Dan Williams (DT-Tennessee)

It was the Williams Wall combo of Pat and Kevin Williams that gave the Vikings' defense its identity. Both are aging stars, so to keep the wall intact, the Vikings draft Tennessee defensive tackle Dan Williams. Williams is a beast at DT, but weighs a measly 320lbs. However, with a little boost from Pat and Kevin's (alleged) performance enhancing drug dealer, he could get up to 350lbs.

Brad Childress will wait until the second round to draft his quarterback of the future, Brett Favre's newborn grandson, Parker Brett.

31) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS--Peyton Manning (QB-Indianapolis Colts)

After the Super Bowl loss to Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints, there's been a lot less talk about how Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all time.

Colts fans are pissed. Peyton Manning is awesome. Joe Montana wants Peyton's autograph. Brett Favre would jump to back him up. Peyton Manning can do more with his little finger than Chuck Norris can do with his whole entourage.

So just to reiterate how great Manning is, Indianapolis makes him the only player to be drafted twice by the same team.

32) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS--Jahvid Best (RB-California).

Reggie Bush sucks. And to prove it to him, they draft Jahvid Best, a small, but fast back who will outplay Bush from day one and won't fumble every other punt he returns.