Ever since the Rams let Kurt Warner go, they've needed a franchise quarterback. Having just released Marc Bulger, all signs point to them drafting Sam Bradford with the number one pick. But they won’t.
What St. Louis needs is another Kurt Warner. The former grocery store clerk was the best QB in franchise history and he came out of nowhere. I see St. Louis attempting to recreate that success by drafting Tracy Orbison, a grocery clerk from the same Iowa grocery Kurt Warner worked at.
2) DETROIT LIONS--Demaryius Thomas (WR-Georgia Tech)
The Lions have needs across the board, especially on the offensive and defensive line. Lions fans are grateful that former GM Matt Millen was fired and won’t be around to wreck their drafts like he did for years. Unfortunately, Matt Millen has crept out of the broadcast booth and is hiding in the Lions’ war room, waiting to pounce... like a lion... a big, disgraced and incompetent lion. Despite his age, Millen is still a strong dude, and he will physically force the Lions to draft... yet another wide receiver. Who will be the Lions’ next Mike Williams or Charles Rogers?
That would be Georgia Tech wide receiver, Demaryius Thomas.
3) TAMPA BAY BUCANEERS--Ndamukong Suh--(DT-Nebraska)
Nobody except the Bucs projected both Ndamukong Suh and Gerald McCoy to be available at the 3rd pick. Expecting this, the Bucs were ready when both visited the Bucs on an official visit. Tampa's coaching staff set up a Survivor-like contest, forcing the two to sumo wrestle each other and engage in a hot dog eating contest. Suh won by eating two more hot dogs.
4) WASHINGTON REDSKINS--Toby Gerhart (RB-Stanford)
5) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS--Jimmy Clausen (QB-Notre Dame)
Charlie Weis loves Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen loves Charlie Weis.
And since nobody else loves either one of them, they belong together. Plus, if the Chiefs draft Clausen then the Seahawks won’t piss me off and do something stupid like making Clausen their Rick Mirer of the future. I can’t stand that smug prick and I still wish suffering upon the Chiefs for that game Derrick Thomas sacked Dave Krieg seven times. It may be wishful thinking since they have a lot of money invested in Matt Cassel, but I’m hopeful they draft that cocky prick. And unlike with Clausen, Seahawk fans won’t have to fight the urge to punch Charlie Whitehurst in front of a bar. He’s far too pretty.
6) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS--Russell Okung (OT-Oklahoma State)
Seahawk fans breathe a collective sigh of relief as Pete Carrol goes offense and drafts the top-rated tackle in the draft. He may not be the second coming of Walter Jones, but he's better than everyone else we have on the offensive line.
7) CLEVELAND BROWNS--Brandon LaFell (WR-LSU)
Holmgren loves drafting pass-catchers who end up dropping the ball in key moments—remember Jerammy Stevens, Koren Robinson, and Darryl Jackson? So who will be the next ball-dropper to flub a Super Bowl-winning pass or serve jail time? How about Brandon LaFell.
8) OAKLAND RAIDERS--Tim Tebow (QB-Florida)
Jesus was tormented by the devil for 40 days and 40 nights, but it’s nothing like the horrors Tim Tebow will experience during a 5-year contract with the Raiders under Al Davis. Couple that with sharing film study with JaMarcus Russell and breaking up fights in the coach's office and one can see it won't be long until Saint Tebow is tested in ways Jesus never imagined. This could go two ways, either Tebow leads wayward cast of Raider nation to the promised land, or else he wanders aimlessly through the desert with them, drinking heavily like he's Sebastian Janikowski. 
9) BUFFALO BILLS--Mike Williams (WR-Syracuse)
Playing in the cold wasteland of Buffalo is akin to being banished to a military weather station above the Arctic Circle. Nobody likes playing in Buffalo. And with no top-tier Canadian-born talent available, the Bills choose to go local by drafting Mike Williams from Syracuse. There are numerous character concerns, but the dude is a baller, he'll be ecstatic to be drafted in the 1st round and he can dunk (YouTube video).
10) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS--Rolando McClain (LB-Alabama)
With Tim Tebow already taken, the Jags realize that they won't be putting anyone in the seats next year and consider folding the franchise.
However, the prospect of drafting stud linebacker Rolando McClain to pair with starting quarterback David Garrard in a fund-raiser to fight Crohn's disease (both have the gastrointestinal ailment) proves to be too much of a feel-good story. The Jags could use the defensive help anyway.
11) DENVER BRONCOS--Dez Bryant (WR-Oklahoma State)
With Marshall joining the Dolphins, I see Denver picking up Dez Bryant. When he and McDaniels clash, the Seahawks can offer up a third rounder for him next year.
12) MIAMI DOLPHINS--Derrick Morgan (DE-Georgia Tech)
With Joey Porter leaving to be overpaid in Arizona and Jason Taylor possibly on his way to the Jets, Bill Parcels has to be thinking about the pass rush. Derrick Morgan may not be the second coming of Lawrence Taylor, but he'll be a hell of a lot better than the two guys they got rid of.
When the pick is announced, Seahawk fans will find themselves cursing and opening another beer. He's a lot better than everyone we have on the defensive line also.
13) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS--CJ Spiller (RB-Clemson)
If Frank Gore can run for 200+ yards against the Seahawks on his perpetually-injured legs, just imagine what the 49ers think the explosive Spiller will do to the Seahawks twice a year. Crack another cold one Seahawk fans.
14) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS--Sergio Kindle (LB-Texas)
Given the track record of the new Pete Carrol regime in free agency, there’s simply no telling what they’ll do in the draft. Their moves have all been eyebrow-raising to say the least. But you know what would be totally surprising? You know what would be crazier than giving up a 2nd round pick for a third string QB? Going line backer with the 14th pick. Welcome to Seattle Sergio Kindle.
And just like Jerramy Stevens, a previous Seahawk 1st round pick, Kindle has also been in trouble with the law for crashing his car into an apartment building. Sounds like a Seahawk to me.
15) NEW YORK GIANTS--Mike Iupati (OG-Idaho)
Coach Tom Coughlin’s daughter is married to Giants starting guard Chris Snee. but let’s be honest, Mike Iupati (G-Idaho) is not only a better prospect, but has a rugged and mysterious je ne sais quois.
Who is that man behind the face mask? Coughlin’s daughter Katie wants to know and she's ready for an upgrade at the husband position. And like any good father, Daddy will get his daughter what she wants.
16) TENNESSEE TITANS--Colt McCoy (QB-Texas)
Having just signed quarterback Chris Simms, the Titans have officially announced they're in dire need of a backup quarterback. They also need somebody Vince Young trusts and who can explain the playbook to him. Welcome to the first round Colt McCoy.
17) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS--Gerald McCoy (DT-Oklahoma)
Coach Mike Singletary tests potential picks by seeing who can maintain eye contact with him the longest. The record was two seconds until Gerald McCoy went four seconds before turning his eyes away from the steely glare of the legendary linebacker.
18) PITTSBURGH STEELERS--Janice Masters (QB-Pittsburgh Passion).
With the allegations against Ben Rothlesberger and Santonio Holmes (related article), the Steelers recognize they have a public relations nightmare on their hands. Wary or losing female fans, the Steelers draft Janice Masters of the Independent Women’s Football League. She’s feisty, has a some solid passing stats, and has the size and speed to switch to safety after Rothlesberger returns from suspension.
19) ATLANTA FALCONS--Traded to Philadelphia Eagles for Michael Vick
Ever since the Falcons lost the electric Michael Vick to prison, attendance has been down, So this year, the Falcons trade their 1st round pick to Philly for Michael Vick. Does Vick still have the speed he displayed during his Falcon days? A good way to find out is before every home game. release a herd of crazed pit bulls at midfield and give Vick a 10-yard head start. Attendance up. Karma actualized. And the TV rights for this make millions! The proceeds go to the Humane Society, stadium costs, and Vick’s bankruptcy attorneys.
19) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES-- Terrence Cody (NT-Alabama)--Pick received in trade from Atlanta
The Eagles will draft 349 lbs nose tackle Terrence Cody from Alabama. Sure, they could use the defensive help, but they draft him primarily because Coach Andy Reid wants someone one the team who is fatter than he is, and possesses more supple man-boobs. .
Wait for the charity poster of them in Speedos to raise money to fight childhood obesity... and then attempt to wash the image from your mind.
20) HOUSTON TEXANS--Eric Berry (S-Tennessee)
The Texans had only one respectable defensive back (Dunta Robinson) and they traded him away. Tennessee safety Eric Berry is supposed to be the second coming of Ronnie Lott and Deion Sanders. Houston will start him at both safety and corner.
Check out this music video about why he should win the Heisman Trophy.
21) CINCINNATI BENGALS--Michael Palmer (TE-Clemson)
The Bengals only have one scout and he’s stretched a little thin. Cincinnati has both of the Palmer brothers on the roster (Carson and Jordan), so who’s to blame them for accidentally assuming Michael Palmer (TE-Clemson) is just another of Carson’s brothers. The Bengals could use a tight end anyways.
22) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS--(traded to Oakland)
Feeling pretty smug after last year's trade of Richard Seymour for Oakland's 2011 1st rounder, Coach Bill Belichek calls Al Davis to see if he's stupid enough to do it twice. He is, and the two swap the Pats 1st round pick first this year for Oakland's 2nd round picks in 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014...
22) OAKLAND RAIDERS--Usain Bolt (Jamaica) (picked up from New England)
Everyone knows Al Davis loves speed and Olympic gold-medalist Usain Bolt is the fastest man on the planet.
23) GREEN BAY PACKERS--Sam Bradford (QB-Oklahoma)
Much like Aaron Rogers did years ago, Sam Bradford unexpectedly drops in the draft and the Packers snatch him up. This sets up a new QB controversy in a couple years, a messy divorce, future nostalgia for Aaron Rogers, and something for sports writers to cover endlessly.
24) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES--Anthony Davis (OT-Rutgers)
The Eagles may deny it, by they are a team rebuilding and they've shown with their quarterback change that they're trying to get younger. Rutgers tackle, Anthony Davis, will be only 20-years-old when the season begins. Is that young enough?
25) BALTIMORE RAVENS--Mardy Gilyard (WR-Cincinnati)
Michael Oher was the steal of the 2009 NFL draft. His life story was turned into a movie that won Sandra Bullock an Oscar. Hoping to repeat their success, the Ravens draft Mardy Gilyard, wider receiver out of Cincinnati. Like Oher, Gilyard has his own hard-luck tale of living in his car while working four jobs in hopes of having his scholarship reinstated. In addition, Baltimore could use some speed at wide receiver.
26) ARIZONA CARDINALS--(traded to Philadelphia Eagles for next year's 1st round pick).
Due to some accounting mishap, Arizona doled out $17.5 million to washed-up linebacker Joey Porter. Now the miserly Cardinals don't have the money to pay a first rounders salary so they swap their pick to the Chicago Bears for future picks.
26) CHICAGO BEARS--()
Still short on picks from the Jay Cutler trade, Chicago again deals future picks for the Cardinals first round pick. Unfortunately, they open their war room to offensive line coach, and former Minnesota Vikings coach, Mike Tice. Famous for turning in his draft pick late while with the Vikings, Tice blows it again and forgets to turn in the draft card. Chicago is banished to the 2nd round.
27) DALLAS COWBOYS--Kam Chancellor (S-Virginia Tech)
Having cut safety Ken Hamlin (and Roy Williams before that), for mental mistakes and being to slow in coverage, Jerry Jones pulls another one out of his ass and drafts Virginia Tech safety Kam Chancellor, a big, tough, slow safety that can barely cover a tight end. I can't wait to hear the cell-phone footage of him drunkenly explaining that selection.
28) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS--Dexter McCluster (RB-Mississippi)
There's no way you can replace a Hall of Fame running back like Ladanian Tomlinson. However, you can replace running back Darren Sproles. Sure, they would be better off drafting a power running back like Ryan Matthews (RB-Fresno State) or Johnathan Dwyer (RB-Georgia Tech). Either, paired with Sproles, would give them a thunder and lightning combo. Instead, the Chargers will draft 5'8" 165lbs. Dexter McCluster, the lightning fast running back from Mississippi. They add Justin Forsett and they can run the oompa loompa wishbone.
29) NEW YORK JETS--LeGarrette Blount (RB-Oregon)
The Jets are happy to take chances on players with character concerns. In the past few months alone, they've added cornerback Antonio Cromartie (1/2 dozen illegitimate kids) and Santonio Holmes (marijuana possession, assault allegation). Who can they draft to complete the trifecta? Of all draft prospects, running back LeGarrette Blount provides the greatest chance of a felony conviction. His violent outburst during last year's Boise State game was one for the ages. Running back isn't really a need, but the possibility of Blount running wild in the Big Apple, especially with the cameras of Hard Knocks filming, is too much for Rex Ryan to pass up. You can't put a stomach band on drama.
30) MINNESOTA VIKINGS--Dan Williams (DT-Tennessee)
It was the Williams Wall combo of Pat and Kevin Williams that gave the Vikings' defense its identity. Both are aging stars, so to keep the wall intact, the Vikings draft Tennessee defensive tackle Dan Williams. Williams is a beast at DT, but weighs a measly 320lbs. However, with a little boost from Pat and Kevin's (alleged) performance enhancing drug dealer, he could get up to 350lbs.
Brad Childress will wait until the second round to draft his quarterback of the future, Brett Favre's newborn grandson, Parker Brett.
31) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS--Peyton Manning (QB-Indianapolis Colts)
After the Super Bowl loss to Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints, there's been a lot less talk about how Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all time.
Colts fans are pissed. Peyton Manning is awesome. Joe Montana wants Peyton's autograph. Brett Favre would jump to back him up. Peyton Manning can do more with his little finger than Chuck Norris can do with his whole entourage.
So just to reiterate how great Manning is, Indianapolis makes him the only player to be drafted twice by the same team.
32) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS--Jahvid Best (RB-California).
Reggie Bush sucks. And to prove it to him, they draft Jahvid Best, a small, but fast back who will outplay Bush from day one and won't fumble every other punt he returns.
I look forward to the Andy Reid/Mt. Cody swimsuit suit issue.
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