Thursday, June 10, 2010

Possible Motives For Golden Tate's Doughnut Heist

While at Notre Dame, defenses couldn't stop Golden Tate from reaching the end zone. And, apparently, the night bakers at Top Pot Doughnuts can't stop Tate from the doughnuts he craves. Tate has a powerful thirst for competition... and apparently it's countered by a powerful hunger for maple bars.

Some have speculated Tate suffered from a sever case of the munchies, while others, including the Top Pot employee who called police, suspected he was simply "A drunk idiot." --(link to 911 call). Others suspect it's all a publicity stunt by the Official Doughnut & Coffee Provider of your Seattle Seahawks. Perhaps, but what are the other possible reasons Tate was found stealing doughnuts out of the back of Top Pot at 3AM?
  1. Golden Tate is a member of the radical Doughnut Liberation Front, whose aim is to free doughnuts from being eaten. Every pastry has a soul. 
  2. As part of the Seahawks' community service efforts, Tate was simply trying to feed the homeless.
  3. Terrified of being held scoreless, Tate goes on the attack when ever he comes in contact with the number zero, even if it's in the form of a doughnut.
  4. Concerned with Leroy Hill's upcoming court hearing, Tate was trying to stockpile doughnuts and coffee in an effort to bribe the police.
  5. Even though LenDale White was cut by the Seahawks, Tate still wanted to help his suddenly-slim teammate gain weight. 
  6. Since Top Pot Doughnut is the official doughnut and coffee of the Seattle Seahawks, he thought it meant he ate for free there at any time.
  7. Any time is a good time to carbo-load.
  8. Late at night, the maple bars call to Tate. These temptresses, these pastry sirens, their songs lure in even the most stoic of folk, much like mermaids would call to sailors on long voyages, causing them to dive into the sea.
  9. Rookies are responsible for bringing doughnuts to team meetings as part of their hazing. Meetings begin before Top Pot opens. Tate had no other option.
  10. Golden Tate is pregnant, and when food cravings strike a pregnant person, everybody better get the F#@% out of the way.
Tate was apologetic after the incident, saying:

"When I got here, that was one of the first things I had," Tate said. "They're irresistible. It was a foolish mistake that won't happen again, but if you ever want some maple bars, that's the place to go. 
"I'm very embarrassed to even have my name a part of this. Before now I never had any type of trouble in school or anything, so I'd rather learn on this than have something a few months or years down the road that's a lot bigger and me being arrested or cited for something. This is definitely a lesson learned for me. Next time I'll just have my buddy go in and buy them."
Golden Tate has been banned from this Top Pot Doughnut location for one year. Give Mighty-O's a chance.

Check out video of Tate's uncomfortable explanation of the heist on Danny O'Neil's blog. You can also purchase an authentic Top Pot Doughnut mug signed by Golden Tate here.

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