Monday, January 10, 2011

The Run Felt Round the World

Marshawn Lynch's epic 67-yard touchdown run not only turned the tide of the playoff game against the Saints, it also created considerable seismic activity according to this article. John Vidale, director of the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network, says that a seismic monitoring station about 100 yards west of the stadium registered seismic activity during Lynch's fourth-quarter run that clinched Seattle's 41-36 victory. Vidale says the shaking lasted about 30 seconds and then faded off for another minute.

So not only is the 12th Man Army the loudest in the NFL, it's also capable of creating an earthquake. It's probably for the best Ken Bering didn't move the team to Los Angeles in the 1980's. California could have ended up falling into the Pacific Ocean.

12 Reasons the Seahawks Deserve to be in the Playoffs

Because Seattle deserves a break after enduring the Sonics leaving and the Mariners sucking.
Their coach doesn't have a well-publicized foot fetish.
Because even the sun shines on a dog's ass sometimes.
Because 7-9 is divine.
Because by making the playoffs they'll draft later, so it will be easier to justify a later pick to keep Jake Locker in town.
Because no fans are as passionate as those at Qwest Field. They deserve something. 
New York buys itself a playoff baseball team every year. Sorry that doesn't work in the NFL.
The Seahawks need one more game to decide who their quarterback will be next season.
Without them, no team west of Kansas City would be in the playoffs.
They're riding a one game win streak and momentum is everything in the playoffs.
They beat the Bears in week 6 and they're the number two seed in the NFC.
They won the division.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Seahawks to Face Lawrence Maroney + Kool-Aid Man

Since being drafted by the Patriots in the first round out of University of Minnesota, Lawrence Maroney hasn't terrified any defenses. He has the physical tools, but it's always seemed he's been lacking something. Well it's time to get fearful now that he's with the Broncos. He hasn't stopped dancing in the backfield, taking his sweet time to pick a hole. No, his new power comes from his bling.

The diamond-crusted Kool-Aid Man chain holds special powers. It enables you to bust through opposing tacklers like they were just a mere cinder block wall. Chris Johnson probably has Kool-Aid Man earrings. Look out Hawks. Don't underestimate the power of Kool-Aid Man. Oh yeah? Oh NO!

Special thanks to NFL Passers for bringing this important NFL fashion news to light. No we just have to figure out where we can get the cubic zirconia knockoff.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Possible Motives For Golden Tate's Doughnut Heist

While at Notre Dame, defenses couldn't stop Golden Tate from reaching the end zone. And, apparently, the night bakers at Top Pot Doughnuts can't stop Tate from the doughnuts he craves. Tate has a powerful thirst for competition... and apparently it's countered by a powerful hunger for maple bars.

Some have speculated Tate suffered from a sever case of the munchies, while others, including the Top Pot employee who called police, suspected he was simply "A drunk idiot." --(link to 911 call). Others suspect it's all a publicity stunt by the Official Doughnut & Coffee Provider of your Seattle Seahawks. Perhaps, but what are the other possible reasons Tate was found stealing doughnuts out of the back of Top Pot at 3AM?
  1. Golden Tate is a member of the radical Doughnut Liberation Front, whose aim is to free doughnuts from being eaten. Every pastry has a soul. 
  2. As part of the Seahawks' community service efforts, Tate was simply trying to feed the homeless.
  3. Terrified of being held scoreless, Tate goes on the attack when ever he comes in contact with the number zero, even if it's in the form of a doughnut.
  4. Concerned with Leroy Hill's upcoming court hearing, Tate was trying to stockpile doughnuts and coffee in an effort to bribe the police.
  5. Even though LenDale White was cut by the Seahawks, Tate still wanted to help his suddenly-slim teammate gain weight. 
  6. Since Top Pot Doughnut is the official doughnut and coffee of the Seattle Seahawks, he thought it meant he ate for free there at any time.
  7. Any time is a good time to carbo-load.
  8. Late at night, the maple bars call to Tate. These temptresses, these pastry sirens, their songs lure in even the most stoic of folk, much like mermaids would call to sailors on long voyages, causing them to dive into the sea.
  9. Rookies are responsible for bringing doughnuts to team meetings as part of their hazing. Meetings begin before Top Pot opens. Tate had no other option.
  10. Golden Tate is pregnant, and when food cravings strike a pregnant person, everybody better get the F#@% out of the way.
Tate was apologetic after the incident, saying:

"When I got here, that was one of the first things I had," Tate said. "They're irresistible. It was a foolish mistake that won't happen again, but if you ever want some maple bars, that's the place to go. 
"I'm very embarrassed to even have my name a part of this. Before now I never had any type of trouble in school or anything, so I'd rather learn on this than have something a few months or years down the road that's a lot bigger and me being arrested or cited for something. This is definitely a lesson learned for me. Next time I'll just have my buddy go in and buy them."
Golden Tate has been banned from this Top Pot Doughnut location for one year. Give Mighty-O's a chance.

Check out video of Tate's uncomfortable explanation of the heist on Danny O'Neil's blog. You can also purchase an authentic Top Pot Doughnut mug signed by Golden Tate here.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Tubby Trojan Margarita Recipe

LenDale White and Mike Williams, both current Seahawks and former USC Trojan players, have received as much press for their weight issues as for their play.

LenDale dropped close to forty pounds last year by cutting out Patron tequila.
"I really got to be honest,'' White said. "It wasn't a lot of major diet changes. [It was] watching what I drink. I was a big Patron consumer. ... That's what it was. I was drinking a lot, drank a lot, of alcohol. I cut that out of my diet all the way. I don't drink at all. The weight started falling off.''

Prior to joining the Seahawks this year, Mike Williams dropped 35lbs by cutting out champagne and late night steaks and pasta (listen to interview).

There weight loss will improve their play, something Seahawks fans are looking forward to. When you make millions to play football, the least you can do is make the sacrifices necessary to be successful.

But for Seahawks fans, alcohol is nothing to give up. It's a necessary coping mechanism to deal with all the disappointing play. Cold beer always goes with football, but sometimes you have to supplement the self-medicating with a nice cocktail. That's why I invented the Tubby Trojan Margarita.

Tubby Trojan Margarita Recipe

- 2 ounces Patron Silver Tequila
- 2 ounces lime juice
- 1/2 ounce orange liquor (Cointreau, Grand Marnier, or Triple Sec).
- 3 ounces champagne or sparkling wine

Shake tequila, lime juice and orange liquor with ice in shaker. Pour into a pint glass filled with ice. Top with champagne.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Real Reason Griffey Wasn't Available to Bat

Now that Ken Griffey's NapGate scandal has died down, I thought I'd be untimely and chime in.

I believe Griffey was napping during the game, but like he said, he wasn't asleep in the 7th inning. My theory is that he was asleep in the 6th and a few other players played a prank on him. While he was snoring away, dreaming of cheeseburgers, a few of the younger players put his hand in warm water and then The Greatest Player in Mariner History wet himself. When he awoke he went to change and clean himself up and that's when Wakamatsu called for him to bat.

Everyone seems to like the stories from years past of Griffey waking from a nap to bat, stumbling out to the plate with his shoes untied, and blasting a home run. It's just not the same watching a bloated Griffey hobble out of the dugout with a wet stain on his crotch, stunbling to the plate to pop out and end the inning.

A lot of the blame, and Mike Sweeney's wrath, was directed at the two young players who ratted Griffey out to the Tacoma News Tribune. I agree it's probably something that should have been handled in the clubhouse. I think when the Mariners to took the field, they should have quietly and gently picked up the recliner Griffey was asleep in, and carried it out to left field. Eventually the crowd noise would have roused him, Griffey would be exposed, and the team wouldn't have to delude themselves that the whole thing was made up by Larry LaRue. Plus, Griffey loves a prank and everybody loves that scene in Major League when Wesley Snipes gets cut and wakes up in his bed outside the field.

The big question remaining is what the future holds for Griffey. Will he retire? Will he be cut? Will he take an at bat in his pajamas? What about the future promotional nights involving Griffey?

Due to his lack of production, his season on the roster needs to end. It seems like he could use the rest and serious Mariner fans are tired of watching him pop up to end innings. But we all know Griffey is on this team to sell tickets, not hit home runs. The Mariners need to use this to their economic advantage. How about a Mariner Snuggie promotion night? Or maybe a Griffey Nap Night, where fans can bring blankets and pillows and sleep through a game with Griffey in the upper deck. Griffey Pajama Night? The possibilities are endless.

Perhaps, Griffey could participate in a sleep study, but at Safeco field. He could be enclosed in a glass room, given warm milk and his favorite teddy bear, and fans could gather to watch him sleep. He's the greatest Mariner of all time and most M's fans can't let go, regardless of the damage he does to the team. They don't mind watching him snooze at the plate, but maybe they'd be just as happy watching him snooze in the stands. It could be a win-win.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ken Griffey Jr. Naps During Games

According to an article in the Tacoma News Tribune, Ken Griffey Jr. was asleep in the clubhouse during a recent game when he was needed to pinch hit. Shannon Drayer of followed up with an article stating  this is nothing new, that the team has no problem with it, and if they needed him to bat they could have woken him up.

There has been a lot of media attention of late focusing on what needs to be done to awaken the Mariners' bats. I had no idea we'd need to worry about also waking Mariner batters.

I recognize Griffey is not a bus driver or a security guard, but isn't sleeping on the job frowned up on in any profession? With most baseball analysts outside the 206 area code saying that Griffey is finished, what's the Mariners' reasoning for keeping him on the roster? If it's his presence in the clubhouse, how come he's not conscious? If it's because they need a left handed DH, then isn't there anyone in triple-A who can hit over 200, run the bases, and remain awake during games?

Maybe he's only here to sell tickets, but even with the Griffey bobble head nights, attendance has been dismal this year. Perhaps it's not too late though. The Mariners can draw fans by holding a new promotional event at Safeco: Ken Griffey Jr. Snuggie & Nap Night. The sight of 20,000 fans bundled up in their snuggies and snoring loudly will be the catalyst for waking the M's bats. At the least, it cause somebody on the team to wake Griffey from his nap in the clubhouse.